In my Paper Lullaby

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 22:19:00 GMT

There will be a memorial service for Angel " Inqy " Yates Sat July 11, 2009 at 11:11 am at Faith Lutheran Church
7750 Beneva Rd Sarasota, FL 34238-2848 - (941) 924-4664. Her family, friends, and co workers are invited to the service.

And for a moment, life becomes too real.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 02:56:51 GMT

Actually, this is more so I'll have a record of events/symptoms, in case I can't remember later.

It started about a week before I quit my 911 job; and at that time, I thought maybe it was just jitters from the fact that I was quitting, losing my insurance, starting a new career, in my last quarter of school, and everything else. It was a lot to change all at once, and I'd hoped it was just a stress thing.

I've never been a very athletic person. I'm about 130-140 lbs., and at 5 feet even that's a bit overweight, but not terrible. I don't smoke or drink, I don't even drink soda, and I usually eat organic foods when I can. I used to walk a great deal more than I have in recent years -- ever since I started school, certain things like walking were curtailed for homework and other sedentary things. But I never had any trouble getting around, or taking stairs occasionally instead of the elevator, or things of that nature.

And about a week before I quit, I started having issues like that. Nothing huge; just that I would get winded for walking spurts, and stairs seemed rather daunting, and my backpack seemed too heavy. As I mentioned, I attributed most of that to stress, since I had plenty of it.

After a month and a half, it grew to the point of being winded by even smaller walking spurts. I could climb two flights of stairs, but my chest felt as if someone were crushing it from all sides, and I couldn't get enough air. Which was silly, because I'd be listening to myself breathe hard, and the air was coming and going, it's just as if my lungs weren't registering that. It's a very hard thing to describe... Not like chest pain, although my chest hurt unbearably. Not like heart problems, although my heart would be pounding in my ears. Not like asphyxiating, since the air was coming and going. But for some minutes after exerting myself over two lousy flights of stairs, I could do nothing but stand there and gasp and pant heavily.

Okay. So I couldn't walk up stairs anymore. I began lightening the load in my backpack to only the essentials, and I took the elevator.

Another month passed. At this point, it became difficult to reach the front door of the office where I work without having the same sensation as described above. Granted, this was after a long 1-hour car ride, so I thought maybe the burst of energy after sitting for a long period had something to do with it. I was still hoping most of it was due to stress, and figured once school was over I could simply stop worrying about it.

I began walking much slower -- at a snail's pace, really. It helped a little, and once I got over the initial weirdness, I could walk much easier. That's another odd thing -- this weird sensation hits me in the first few minutes of walking, and if I keep walking during it, it eventually fades and I can walk just fine afterward.

Or at least I could, until a few weeks ago. I graduated June 19, and for a day and a half afterward (not the weekend directly afterward, but Monday and part of Tuesday), it actually lessened, and I was relatively alright. I walked from my car to my office door without having to stop my usual two times to catch my breath. This confirmed my thoughts that it had just been a stress issue. Then, on Wednesday, it hit me harder than ever, for no reason whatsoever.

At this point, I can barely walk to my mom's front door from my car door. Once I reach it, I have to lean over the wall or something, and gasp for breath for several minutes. Walking has begun to affect other things beyond my breathing -- I get a sharp pain in my head, behind my eye and through my jaw, and can't continue. If I sit or lay down at this point, it just gets worse.

I can't bend over. If I lean down to pick something up, whether I'm sitting or standing, this weird feeling of a head-rush comes over me and I nearly black out. Three times this weekend when I bent over from sitting, I felt disembodied -- like my spirit was hovering a few inches out of my limbs, and I could no longer feel my arms or see through my eyes. Once I sat back, the feeling faded, and everything went back to normal.

I've given up chores, for the most part, both here and at my home. Sex is exhausting. (I'm sure you wanted to know that.) Most everything else is exhausting. Now even when I simply sit, my back begins faintly to hurt, or my chest feels oddly heavy. And the worst part, perhaps, in all this, is that I won't have health insurance until October. I have to live this way all summer, because I can't afford to do anything otherwise.

I often wondered at the sense of urgency I've always had, ever since I was little. I always felt that I would never have enough time to do everything I wanted to; and so I felt like I had to squash it all into as little time as I could. It's made many things less enjoyable, and many more things more enjoyable. But I still wonder. I've never felt so weak and helpless in all my life. And if I sit hunched over my computer here, I don't feel it at all... there's no pain, nothing at all indicating that anything is wrong.

I just don't know what to do. I really don't... Can it still be from stress? I still have plenty of it... I graduated, and got a job, and things are falling into place. But there's still so much to worry about... the lack of health insurance, for one thing, or that I'm away from my family for five days a week, or all the driving I do every day, or the crack in my windshield, or trying to find/buy a house...

I don't know.

WA - page 6.1

Sat, 02 May 2009 22:52:13 GMT

page 6.1: Rationalizing.

YouTube

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 14:50:41 GMT

:D I finally got around to making a YouTube account. Well, technically I made one awhile ago, forgot the password, and no longer have access to that e-mail address. BUT! This time, I actually uploaded something.

My YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/OnnaChance

My first YouTube video (lol) :

This painting is almost a year old, and I'd doodled it specifically to play with Camstudio. I only just got around to compiling all the clips yesterday. Eheh...

WA - new chapter

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 00:28:31 GMT

Chapter 6 - Twisting Fate

So I'm on to a new chapter in Wicked Alchemy, which means I'll be changing up the style a bit (I really enjoy the messy look, like the cover art, rather than trying to make everything cartoonish). Let's see how well I can stick to the script for this chapter. I always seem to change things up as I go... But hopefully it's at least interesting.

And reference the poem, it's been awhile since I've waxed poetic. Don't mind if I sound a little rusty. ^^;

WA - page 5.40

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 14:50:36 GMT

"Enoch's wish" is up, and there's a new incentive sketch on Top Webcomics.

Just got back from vacation this morning (stepped into my house about half an hour ago). ;D Nice to be back.

... Now I have to pack and leave again tomorrow. x_X

WA - page 5.39

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 17:47:47 GMT

"The Offer" is up. Also, new incentive work in progress on Top Web Comics if you vote.

I'll be on vacation starting tomorrow, until Friday or Saturday, so next week's page might be a bit delayed. :)

WA - page 5.38

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 21:53:39 GMT

I forgot to mention the comic page for last week was up. >_> And Enoch is this week's incentive on TWC.

updates?

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 19:03:02 GMT

Well, it seems like I have a plethora of places to announce updates to WA, so I'd like to know what would be best for everyone. These are the places I announce it at the moment:

On livejournal ( http://labile.livejournal.com ) - no real bonus to this, except that I have a bunch of friends there (who I'm probably annoying with all these updates :D ), and you can post replies.

On Twitter ( http://twitter.com/wickedalchemy) - this has an RSS feed, so if you subscribe to @wickedalchemy you can get the updates directly on your browser toolbar (or however else you look at RSS feeds). You can also reply to posts ( using @wickedalchemy ), but I'm unsure about replying to replies, since I don't want to clutter up the feed.

On onlinecomics.net ( http://www.onlinecomics.net/pages/support.php?comicID=1813&ref=http%3A%2F%2Fwickedalchemy.net%2F ) - Not really sure this is a valid option, as it doesn't seem anyone ever visits it, nor do I ever seem to get any traffic from it (even way back before the hiatus).

On the google group ( http://groups.google.com/group/refugee-alchemists/ ) - just started this, don't know how it'll work out, but it DOES have the RSS feed option like Twitter.

On the new free forums ( http://alchemists.phpbbsite.com/ ) - Not sure how much people visit this, either.

On the website itself ( http://wickedalchemy.net ) - But this requires people to visit the site, which they'd see the updates anyway. Also, I haven't gotten the comments working yet, so really no way for people to leave feedback. And no feed.

On deviantART ( http://inqy.deviantart.com ) - I dislike updating my journal every time I update a page, since it doesn't often correlate with what I'm doing on there... so the updates are usually a little late here.

Sooo... what's easiest/best? Or if there's something I haven't mentioned, let me know.

WA - page 5.37

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 03:01:23 GMT

New page up! :) I'm a bit early this week, just because.

Watching.

Be sure to vote on TWC to see more of the 'watcher' from the new page.

Twitter

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 21:11:15 GMT

Wicked Alchemy now has its own Twitter account (and consequently an RSS feed). If you want to follow the comic that way, go here: http://twitter.com/wickedalchemy

WA - page 5.36

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 18:31:56 GMT

New page is up ("Finding Elana isn't easy" .. otherwise known as "Garret has a chibi moment").

And some character design art is on the incentives page for Top Web Comics, once you vote.

WA - page 5.35

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 00:12:09 GMT

http://wickedalchemy.net/

New page is up today. I've also started my 'incentives' on Top Comics again. This week, if you vote (use the icon on the main page there), you'll get to see a preview of what the new Wicked Alchemy layout will look like. Hope you enjoy. :)

Revealing some secrets. (rambling included)

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 04:22:23 GMT

The gist of Wicked Alchemy.

I'd written some weeks ago about my conundrum with web comics -- giving a vague idea of why I'd stopped them, hinting at reasons other than what I'd been telling the world. Well, I'm going to shed a bit of light on everything, including my future plans (so if you don't like my rambling, go away now).

Back in 2002, I was pretty addicted to role-playing. WA was a product of the world I had created for such role-playing, and over the years it has evolved in ways I couldn't possibly have imagined when I began it. Roland (my husband) was my co-creator in this world, though he gave me executive power over it -- I was, more often than not, the Storyteller, while his characters were the main ones around which the stories were centered. In our first few months, we had developed a story for Linao, Dominick, and Aniel (my characters), and Jack and Garret (his characters). There were also a few notable friends who made it into the mix -- Tamur (belonging to my beloved friend Tamur), Manuel (who belonged to my friend Rob, and who I mercilessly killed), and Jim (belonging to the one and only Jim).

I will be the first to admit I'm a merciless Storyteller. I like to torture characters (my own and others) -- sadistically push them to their limits, and beyond. My stories are often very Lovecraftian, in that they were never meant to end well -- they were meant, in fact, to end violently, terribly, shockingly, or in ways that made it impossible for the characters to ever be the same afterward. And after awhile, it wore on Roland how much I tended to put his characters through the wringer, despite the fact that I would concede small victories to them, just to keep him interested. I'm twisted like that.

I've since changed a bit. My stories still end rather shockingly, but I've gotten better at taming them, and keeping them somewhat easy to digest. But that's neither here or there, since you're looking for reasons and conclusions.

Things happened between Roland and I, a few years ago, that changed our relationship drastically. I'm not going to place blame, because it's not important. But suffice to say, feelings were hurt all around, and I ended up losing a best friend, and nearly losing my marriage. It took a long year after that to rebuild my life, and regain any sort of relationship with my husband.

We're still together, and I'm happy enough now to be able to admit all that. But because of my personal life falling to pieces, and the fact that our mutual world is what created Wicked Alchemy, I found it difficult, almost impossible, to continue drawing it. It petered on for awhile, and when I ran out of script, I didn't have the heart to bring it up to him again to hash out some more. So I just let it die, and gave the world the premise of 'school' and 'work' as the reason.

Not that they weren't valid reasons. I've poured my heart into school and commissions instead, and I don't think I've lost too much for the sake of WA's near-death.

But a few weeks ago I finally decided it had gone on long enough, and I needed to make a decision about Wicked Alchemy, if I was ever going to be able to move on.

We talked. We re-invented Wicked Alchemy in our own minds. We hashed out new script, and new ideas. And I can say now that I am feeling very enthusiastic about breathing new life into my once-cherished artistic experiment. I have big plans for the future -- I know it's going to be a bit slow at first (due to school and a line of commissions/contract work), but now I'm back on track, I have plenty of script, and I've rekindled some of that love that I was missing.

A few of those plans (I feel happy enough to reveal) include re-designing a few of the characters. It's been a long year since I drew them, and they seem very stale to me -- so I'm going to give them a bit of my new experience. I have about 5 more pages with the current chapter, and I'll keep the characters similar until it's over, at least for coherency's sake. Then things are getting a bit of an overhaul.

The site will be slightly re-designed in the next few weeks, while I finish up with this chapter. I'll keep the rest a secret for now, but suffice to say, Wicked Alchemy is no longer near-death, nor will it be dying anytime soon. ;) Thanks to my die-hard fans that have stuck through the bad times with me -- I promise you'll be rewarded with plenty of good times to come.

Sigh. And massive art dump.

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 12:40:13 GMT

It's been awhile, again. I suppose I've gotten out of the habit of blogging.. Most of my scantly touched personal life comes out on my deviantart journal ( http://inqy.deviantart.com/journal/ ), so I suppose it feels redundant to come over here and say something as well.

I do keep this up sometimes, though, and it's mostly because I don't feel like I can get too personal on my DA account. Whenever I have something overly personal to convey, I still come back here for some reason.

That's not to say I feel comfortable blurbing my personal life in any sense to anyone. But perhaps it's when no one human could possibly convey anything helpful to a situation that I resort to the familiar comfort of a blank page, to mark my thoughts without the interruption of advice and condolences.

Roland lost his job yesterday. Construction altogether in Sarasota has died, and Roland was a construction plumber. I'm happy he had the experience at this current job to become a service plumber as well, but once more the company he was with is on the verge of going out of business, so he finds himself without a job. I'm worried. We can't survive on my paycheck alone, so if he doesn't get a job in the next week, we will seriously be hurting. I've been thinking about how to cut corners, and even that isn't going to be easy. The first thing to go will probably be our cable service at home; then my monthly website hosting. Then we'll have to find a cheaper cell phone plan (not an option to get rid of them, since we have no home phone). We can pay off the truck with Roland's CD, and all that might break us even with my paycheck alone.

I can't pick up overtime anymore. The overtime at my job has dried up -- we have quite a few new people, and they did away with required overtime, since people were being canceled from it left and right. The only hours available now for overtime are usually from 3am to 7am, and as much as I might have to in the future, right now I just can't feasibly make myself wake up at 2am.

I still have my freelance work, though that's been trickling slowly to a halt. It's difficult to do too much freelance, anyway, with so much else to do. I'm into my senior-level classes at school, more labor intensive and difficult than they have been in the past. And while I'm extremely happy that I'm finally there, I'm also worried that I'll have no free time to continue doing freelance work to supplement our income.

This quarter, I'm taking computer modeling 3 (finally), intro to special effects (which should be visual effects, not special effects), digital 2d animation (my favorite this quarter), and 3d animation 2 (my least favorite).

I love animation, but Animation 2 is my least favorite at the moment due to the teacher, who doesn't know the first thing about Maya. She's a 3d Max professor, teaching an animation class to animators (not game designers), who primarily want to use Maya. I've spoken with my program director about this, though, and he was kind enough to offer to tutor me himself in Maya once a week, so that should be a great help.

I'm down from three days a week of that long drive to two days a week, and gas prices are down, so that should help a little. Quitting school is not an option. I'm three quarters away from my internship, and if I have to crawl my way there every morning, I'll find a way to do it. There is no other option for me. It's been too long and I've come too far and I can't fall down when I'm so close.

I think I've really hurt myself by not making a list of all my freelance work. My program director told me that I might want to list all the freelance work instead of grouping it into a clump like I have on my resume now (i.e., "2003-08: freelance art for various clients"). I could go back and try to remember, but it would take me so long that I'm dreading the organization of it all. Plus I don't remember client names that well, and sometimes my only contact with them has been through e-mail (a few of them never even told me their names, but they still paid for work). Oi.. I'm going to do it, it's just a question of how long it will take me, and how many hairs I will lose from the frustration. Do I list client names if they're individuals and not companies? I have no idea. This is information that I've put up publicly now ( http://inqy.in/effable/resume.htm ) so I don't want to list people if they don't want to be listed.

I went through a website re-vamp in the last month, then resorted to my old design, with only a few minor tweaks. The other one was more aesthetically appealing, but there were way too many browser issues (it worked perfectly in firefox and horribly in IE). I couldn't easily fix any of them, so I opted to simply update the old look, which was a bit more compatible in IE. I still need to go through and add my newest work, but at least the portfolio pages are up to date. I also need to make my demo reel more cohesive... though I do like having it in individual sections, as I think it makes it easier for a potential employer to browse through it. Perhaps that's just me.

I'm being kicked back to evening shift in a couple weeks. Someone on evening shift with more seniority than me decided suddenly that they wanted to work days, so I'm being bumped back. It won't be so bad, except that I'll have no family life again. I'll go back to seeing my daughter all of two days a week, and having no relationship with my husband. Maybe it's what I need, though, to focus more on my artwork for the last few quarters of college.

I feel like a horrible person for trying to look at the optimistic side of that.

There's also the issue that I don't get along with some of day shift. I don't generally speak to many people at my work -- I like keeping to myself, because it makes for less gossip. But I was subjected to the gossip every single day for as long as I've been on day shift now. When I was on evening shift, I didn't have an opinion of about 80% of the people up here. After being on day shift, I can say one thing I don't like about 95% of people here. Evening shift is happy to serve the firefighters / paramedics. Day shift has made me feel like a second-class citizen in the emergency services world -- not because of the firefighters, but because of the people I work with, whose attitudes and opinions about the firefighters and paramedics could not be worse. I feel embarrassed to be doing my job, and I never used to feel that way. I miss actually feeling like I did some good in the world.

My mom left her house and moved into an apartment. She could have tried to sell it, but in her neighborhood, every single house (I do mean every house within a 3 block radius) has a for sale sign on it. No one can sell. She's already gone bankrupt due to other factors that aren't really her fault, and as she put it, 'I could stay here for years trying to sell something and barely breaking even with mortgage payments, or I could just let them foreclose and get something cheaper. My credit's already ruined, and I need money to eat.'

We took a day off last week to go help her move, and she gave us a bunch of furniture and other things she was trying to get rid of. Some of it is really nice -- we were able to replace our dining room chairs and table, both of which were stained and falling apart. We have a couple new book shelves to replace the dilapidated ones in our living room, and a few things here and there that will help our house look less like a shack.

Though that still doesn't help with the Star Trek memorabilia.

What else... Oh, I suppose I could post up my vaguely recent artwork.

Twenty hour painting done for a color/paint tutorial. This one got a Daily Deviation on deviantart. I was so proud. ^^

Lazeros and Zajin - a piece done for a contest, which ends some time in January.

Bit of a stylized portrait, done for a commission. One of the fish was named Google. She later e-mailed me to tell me Google died, but that he got to see the picture before he did.

and
Commission for a concept sketch and sketch-paint of Cup-elli's character. (That's another thing, some of these people, I only know their online handles. x.x)

Paint sketch, experimenting with splashes of color and a bit of contortion.

Concept I came up with when I found some reference stock on DA.

Sketch-paint of my long neglected Dominick.

Adapted from an earlier paint sketch.

1-hour-ish speed paint of a chameleon, for a rigging project last quarter.

Grand prize for a contest I held on deviantart.

Second place for the same contest as above. This one was part of a concept for a journal layout.

Okay... well. There are many others, I just don't have the energy to filter through them right now. You can find some of them here: http://inqy.deviantart.com/gallery/#_browse

And the rest will be up on my website, hopefully in the next couple days if I have the energy.

-flop-

Things!

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 04:32:47 GMT

I've been incredibly busy lately, so I'm sorry for whoever nudged me (I went back searching for the e-mail and couldn't find it).

But here's an update! Eheh.

I'm currently sitting on the bottom bunk of an 8-bedroom dorm in a hostel in Los Angeles. I've never been to LA, and I came for the SIGGRAPH convention here. It's a very interesting experience -- I've learned something new every time I try to drive anywhere. Like apparently there are lights that 'meter' the freeways and highways, and you have to stop at them and wait for them to turn green, but you don't have to pay or do anything except wait. It's odd. It's like a toll booth, only... free.

And also, it's expensive to drive anywhere. The lowest I've paid for parking is 8$, and I have to pay that every day to the lot beside my hostel. I also have to be out of their lot by 7am every morning. That's not too bad, as 7am is my usual 10am, so it doesn't let me get used to the time zone here.

Other than that... hm. I walked a mile and a half yesterday to eat at the Osteria Mozza (one of iron chef Mario Batali's restaurants). The food was divine -- everything I expected and more. I took pictures on the way there, and halfway through my meal my camera died, so I took out my sketchbook and sketched the rest of my dishes. I'm weird, I know. I also sketched a lady sitting near me, and the waitress -- the latter of whom was kind enough to sign beside her picture.

On the way back, I noticed the "Hollywood" sign in the distance. That was an unexpected and amazing surprise. Everyone here that I've talked to has been very friendly -- I got lost twice while walking around, and had to ask for directions.

Several others from my school came to SIGGRAPH, but we've only met up a handful of times. I've had one incredible experience after another at the convention, from the classes to the 'birds of a feather' meetings to the usergroups to the job fair and exhibits. I talked to every booth in the job fair, whether or not they had to do with my industry or area of expertise. I met a lot of awesome people, many of whom were kind enough to flip through my portfolio and give me dozens of ideas for how to improve it. I also managed to impress a few people with it, and I will hopefully have an internship or a job very soon as a result.

I want to thank everyone who has supported me in my artistic endeavors. This week has been (and still is being) an incredible experience that I will never forget. There's such an energy to the entire conference, such an uplifting feeling to meet so many people who not only are passionate about art as much as I am, but who have made it their entire lives and lifestyles, and who wish the same for me.

I will write a more in-depth post about everything SIGGRAPH-related in another journal soon. But on to things not-SIGGRAPH-related.

I made a Twitter account, so if anyone is on Twitter, my name is "wickedalchemy."

I also made a LinkedIn account, so if you're on LinkedIn, please add me! My name is Angel Yates. I'll have to update it soon and complete my profile. ;D

That's it for now. Tired, and another long day tomorrow. <3

waaaaaaaai.

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 02:20:05 GMT

The melting snowman has become my new symbol for some reason.

Arts!

First, the artsy doodly things, in case that's all you read my journal for. This way you can skip the rest. :D

(I have the whole video to go with this one, compliments of CamStudio. I just can't figure out how to condense it good enough to be able to upload it somewhere. Anyone know some good [free] compiling programs?)

School.

Omigod. I left lala land behind and entered crush-your-bones-with-a-toothpick land.

I know. My metaphors suck. But they make sense in my head and that's all that counts.

For some reason, I feel completely overloaded this quarter. I'm taking the same number of classes as usual, but every class feels so heavy, so full of projects I need to have done now... It feels like I barely have time to learn anything before POOF! I'm expected to perform it, do it well, and be out of the class. Next week is registration for summer classes already! I'm almost halfway through this freakin' quarter.

Sadly, my personal projects have taken a nose-dive. Whatever time I had before, it has become effectively squashed like a bug under the tire of a two-ton semi. I apologize if you have commissions pending -- if we set a deadline, I will most certainly have them done before the deadline! If not, please e-mail me so we can talk about a deadline, because otherwise I'm just going to keep back-burnering everything in lieu of pesky things like sleep and food. <<

On the plus side, I'm loving this quarter with the exception of one class. I've always loved to be overwhelmed for some reason (it's a personal flaw or something? I dunno), so now that I have so many project my head is spinning, I can be happy.

Ugh, I'm so weird.

Journal-ness.

In light of being more open, I'm going to start posting more public entries -- especially where art is concerned. This means that if you wanted to see my art before but couldn't, now you can. I don't know why. I just feel like friends-only-ing everything really defeats the purpose of an online journal somehow.

That and I feel bad, because I haven't kept up with most of my friends' journals on this thing. Sorry guys. ;_; I don't even have time for myself these days.

... I think that's all I can write, because my brain has gone numb. :D

old poems.

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:30:17 GMT

Feel free to ignore this post. It's for a poll I have up on deviantART (here). I didn't want to submit two new deviations (yet).

I killed my shadow.
(revised)

I killed my shadow.

He came lurking,
like he did -
always staining
my sad footsteps,

silhouetted
knife in one hand.
He had meant
that blade for me.

He was silent -
that I taught him.
But I killed him
as I died.

Now my footsteps
no one follows.
My dark history
no one echoes.

My depression
no one masters.
My ghostly chorus
no one stains.

I can't live
in silent shadows.
They all laugh
around me now.

They all shake
those curs-ed tresses,
marking me with
their duresses,

Do you see
your error now?
Do you see
the mirror bleed?

Blood unfettered
by my victim
blackens my sweet
misery.

I am silenced
in my darkness,
in my shadow's
victory.

These are her ashes.

These are her ashes. Listen well,
they speak of an unspoken hell,

of fire and hate and circumstance,
and destiny's cruel happenstance,

and since you're here, they'll let you know,
the one we were so long ago

deserved a death not quite as this,
although it was her lover's kiss

that brought her to this shallow grave.
Listen, that our whispers save

you from a fate as grim as this --
this death unbridled from a kiss.

We were, we were, so long before,
a woman's touch, a scent adored

by prince and pauper, lord and lad,
such innocence and life we had,

They'll say. And once, we held the heart
of one sweet sire, a patriarch

untouched by worldly sins and lies.
It was his seed we bore inside,

we nourished, grew until it waked,
that graceful gift and twist of fate

embodied in a baby's cry.

[end part one.]

It wasn't her, their whispers laugh.
The child alone provoked no wrath,

no qualms, no tension in that smile,
no shadow from the man's denial

of contribution. Here we stood,
our child stripped of fatherhood

by some hand heavier than Fate.
We bore the sin without a mate,

and from the devil's own, we found
our peace upon this barren ground.

You see, they'll say, a chosen few
can understand what we went through,

or fathom what possession came
because of one without a name.

See humans, they can whisper too.
They talk about what others do,

about the babies lost that year,
the love that died, their deathly fear,

and somewhere in that mess of sighs,
they'll find no answer, make up lies

that make more sense than Fate herself.
They blame each one till no one's left,

and then, yes, they remember her;
that one unfortunate left to birth

and raise alone a bastard child,
a spell, they'd whisper while they smiled,

that gave her seed without a seed,
and took from them what mothers need

to keep her own.

[end part two]

We fought them well with what we could,
a mother's love unfathomed would

predict the fate of one so young,
protect her from the place we hung.

But still, they sigh, you can't pretend
to know this mortal's bitter end

until the seed within your hand
becomes to you a right to stand

and bear the fate they judged for it.
What grisly things within that pit

of prison they uncaring threw
without a hope of fate anew

this girl, within these rusted gates.

The child, without father found,
was stripped of mother, beat and bound;

behind the bars we watched their fear
deprive our life's one cause for tears

and dying as we did that day,
we turned our eyes once more away

from their accusing gaze.

[end part three]

What happened, you may ask us now?
What happens when a mother's brow

no longer carries pleasure, pain or
anything with such a name as

they had taken. There she tried
to wet once more her weary eyes,

but dead to torture, dead to men –
she'd lost her life because of them –

she sat, alone and waiting till
her fate they could decide.

These curators debated well
into the night about her hell,

the torment justified by fear,
the curses lifted in the year

they'd robbed the mateless bride.

Into the night, they comforted
their own sweet sins, untormented

by life's sweet cradle sleeping in
their midst. They waited, barren

but for fruit unfettered, borrowed
from the blood of someone's sorrow

they denied.

And when the morning finally came,
they suffered her no quick defame,

no painless death, no happy fate,
but banished her from city gate

friendless, and without her child,
this woman weak and nearly wild

with hatred from their pious stance,
their judgment left her to her chance

alone.

[end part four]

It wasn't these unholy men
that brought us to our second end,

though well they aided our sad state,
and taught us well enough to hate

as they so often do. She cried
as city gates she left behind,

a place she'd never welcome been,
but still, to lose a house or land

is different from the bond they broke
without a right; they only stoke

the anger of a former friend,
an innocent whose only sin

was love unjustified.

The world was hardly kinder to
this soul once lost, and once reduced

to pauper. Here she found a home
in alleys, streets and e'en as some

ill-famed amusement. Shelter, food,
she wandered till she found a good

supply, and then she'd drain it dry,
move on, her soul too dead to cry

until the day she found her end --
here where you stand, our mortal friend.

And since you've listened to the tale
thus far, we'll any pity spare

you, by this simple lullaby:
we are at peace, we cannot cry.

She brought her life to its own end,
a quicker death no human can

desire. Here we rest, a fate
where we belong, without a mate,

dead to the world, just as before,
and we shall be forever more

the ashes of another stolen life.

[end part five]

about the comics.

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 21:11:40 GMT

Firstly, for anyone who doesn't know yet, my comics are being updated at my community, which you can find here.

Secondly, for a weird, rambling detail of updates and such, you can read more below.

--->

So this quarter isn't going to go exactly as I'd planned. I had a 5-class (18 credit) school load, which was going to kill me to get through, especially working full-time. But my dean called me up Friday and said I already had credit for one of the classes, so he dropped me from it, leaving me with only four classes.

That would be well and good, except I had classes scheduled on Tuesdays from 8am to 10pm, and that class was smack in the middle of my day. So now I have a 6-hour hole in my day, during which I can't go home (since it's over an hour to drive one way). The only other class I can take during that time period is a class for which I don't have a pre-requisite -- and even though the dean approved it, I don't feel comfortable taking it with that particular teacher, since I can barely understand her and I don't want to feel lost in a class with no one to help me.

SO!

I'm thinking about taking a second online class, which wouldn't begin until mid-way through the quarter (since our online classes last 5 weeks, which is only half the quarter long). That'd still give me 5 classes, and I can work on them during my long, 6-hour lunch break.

What does that mean for the comics?

Well, it means I might probably actually have time to update them regularly this quarter. I'm not completely sure how it will all work yet, but we'll see -- I'm hoping at least to keep up a page-per-week update with Wicked Alchemy.

Yay for extra time (and extra credits I didn't know I already had).

cthulhu ate my computer.

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 18:11:00 GMT

Well, I thought I'd have time these next 3 weeks to finish all the art projects that fell behind while I was working on school stuff. But I have to delay those things once again due to computer problems.

Let me count the evils that are computer problems.

1. Vista.
This is the most ingenious piece of shit that Windows has ever come up with. They make more money off people flailing around and tearing their hair out than they ever have before. Not only that, but they've taken away control of the computer from the user, and have given control to the computer itself. Don't think that just because it's a machine, it will obey you. Oh no. Vista creates life by giving the computer a mind of its own, and making it nearly impossible for any user's grubby fingers to circumvent what the computer really wants. World domination will soon follow. The Matrix? Vista is the spark of weirdness that will short-circuit that into happening.

2. Vista.
Even after I turn off all the programs that supposedly makes Windows Vista better, faster, stronger -- these include Windows Defender, User Account Controls, Windows Firewall, Windows Automatic Update, and many other barricades to protect you from yourself -- it still finds ways to glitch. One of the most random ones I've found is that it schedules backups of itself -- it will create System Restore points without you ever having to do anything, including stopping whatever programs you were running, or giving it permission. That might be well and good, except it likes to use up 100% of the computer's performance capacity to create these restore points -- so any program you were using is suddenly and inexplicably frozen for 20 minutes. If you're like most users, you flail around, press ctrl + alt + del a bunch, bash your head into walls, and restart your computer the old-fashioned way before the System Restore point ever has a chance to be created, because it wasn't nice enough to tell you what it was doing. Fun, right? The kicker is that if you ever need to use these restore points, and go into System Restore, it only shows you the most recent 2 restore points. There is no way to access the other restore points, even though Windows Help likes to assure you that "Yes indeed you can choose from a list of restore points, and they're saved until your computer has no more space to save them!" So if you encountered a problem that started at 6 am Tuesday, and the computer's last two restore points are Wednesday and Thursday (because it likes to create these points every day), suddenly you can't restore back far enough to fix the problem. And most people don't diagnose a problem until it's computer-life-threatening -- they piddle around thinking it will fix itself until it interferes with their activities enough. So screw you pal, you're stuck with that problem now. Even restoring back to that earliest restore point doesn't give you access to the restore points that would have been listed on that day. Oh no. You can either restore to a later date, or undo the restore. The only option at this point is to stuff in the installation CD and pray it can repair the problem... but the Vista installation CD's idea of repairing a problem is to completely reformat your hard drive! :D

3. Did I mention Vista?
Vista doesn't work with some wireless networks. Windows Firewall and Defender are lovely devices that block all potentially harmful signals that come to your computer -- which includes the internet itself, because dammit, that's harmful stuff. It isn't compatible with your hardware, such as fax machines, scanners, printers, or anything else. If you try to install these devices, Windows Vista will glitch, and the Vista user returns to a state of flailing. It doesn't work with 3d Max, unless you turn off the color scheme. WTF is so different about the Vista color scheme that requires you to turn it off when you want to run certain programs? It doesn't look any different from one scheme to the other, that I can see. So what was the point of creating the new color scheme in the first place?

4. MAC addresses.
For some reason, I suppose because I was using a static IP address instead of roaming for about 2 years, the downtown network where I work decided to temporarily ban my MAC address. This isn't as fixable as the IP address. It means I can't access the internet while I'm at work anymore unless I use my external card, which is a 20$ POS that likes to randomly shut itself off while I'm working. It also doesn't like me working it too hard, which means I can either chat with people on trillian, or look at one website. No, I can't refresh that website. I can't even click links on that website. But it will let me look at one website without crashing. "Ooh, what a pretty website.. I wish I could click things."

---
My computer, at the moment, is having a hard drive issue I believe. It'll get over itself in the next couple days, or I can install this other hard drive I had laying around for some reason, but that means 2-3 days without a laptop. Roland's computer (where I currently am) has no Photoshop, nor does it have the driver for my wacom tablet, nor is it portable so that I could take it to work. So I have no other option really than to twiddle my thumbs and wait either for the geek squad to tell me "Yup. That thar's a hard drive problem." Or for my new laptop to arrive in the mail. It's anyone's guess which will happen first.

So...

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 17:09:34 GMT

Don't you hate it when you work your tail off for something, only to be told by the teacher 'oh nevermind, I'll just collect it next week.' ?

Yeah, I was ready to kill things.

But oh well, at least it's done and I don't really have anything major due in that class this week. So I get a breather I suppose (though it doesn't feel much like one with the amount of work my other classes are requiring x.x).

New to-do lists! (I like these. It really helped me remember stuff last week.)

(homework) things to do
QA for online class - 100% completed.
Texture photos - 100% completed.
Website review - 100% completed.
Animal still life - 100% completed.
Sewing pattern - 100% completed.
max 9 homework - 10% completed. (and so it shall stay, unless somehow I magically get max 9 in the next week. anyone wanna buy me a copy? xD I'll draw you a piccur!)

(non-homework) things to do
Twilight commission - 75% completed.
Dominus commission - 0% completed.
Jonathan commission - 0% completed.
1111 sketches (2) - 50% completed.
Pirates - 0% completed.

e-mail: still swimming with the fishies.

updates.

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 15:08:49 GMT

updates:
A physical problem with the server caused my site/forums/e-mail to be down for awhile there. Cam and Michael have done a great job getting everything back up and running. My e-mail still doesn't work for the time being (should be fixed in a day or two), so please message me here if you need something.

If you e-mailed me in the last 4-5 days, I probably never received your e-mail. Please either post it here, or wait another day and e-mail me again. Thank you.

(homework) things to do
Buy supplies - 90% completed. (still need charcoal. e.e)
QA for online class - 100% completed.
Photos for textures, animals, chair & tree - 100% completed.
Concept sketches for bust - 100% completed.
Website review - 100% completed.
Turnaround - 100% completed.
Bust drawings - 100% completed.
Animal still life - 0% completed. (not due til next week, thankfully.)
Stuffed animal dissection - 100% completed. (twice now. e.e)

(non-homework) things to do
Twilight commission - 45% completed.
Dominus commission - 0% completed.
1111 sketches (2) - 0% completed.
Pirates - 0% completed.

-cough-

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 16:28:42 GMT

I love the customer service shuffle.

dramatization

(fifteen minutes of elevator music.)

clueless A: T'ank y'u for calling -rantrantrantrant- may I have your account number?

me: (insert account number.)

clueless A: How may I halp y'u?

me: I switched from your company (A) to the company you merged with (B), and I was told the bill I had with you would be transferred to the new company. I don't receive paper bills because I paid my bills online, and when I canceled my account, I was no longer able to access my bill online from you. I never received a phone call, or a statement in the mail, and suddenly I have a collection agency calling me about something I thought was taken care of.

clueless A: Oh, y'u no right apartment. Stay online, I connect to company B.

(five minutes of elevator music.)

clueless B: Thank you for calling -rantrantrantrant- may I have your account number?

me: (insert account number.)

clueless B: How may I help you?

me: .. I switched from this company (B) to the company you merged with (A). I was told the bill I had would be transferred, but it wasn't. I never received notice, and suddenly I'm getting calls from a collection agency.

clueless B: Oh, you need finance department.

(three minutes of elevator music.)

clueless C: Thank you for calling -rantrantrantrant- may I have your account number?

me: .... .... (insert account number.)

clueless C: How may I help you?

me: .. I switched from company A to company B. I was told the bill would be transferred, but it wasn't. Give me answers!

clueless C: Oh, we can't transfer bills like that.

me: !$!@#$^ ?

clueless C: I'm sorry you were misinformed.

me: Well what are you going to do about it!?

clueless C: I can take your payment.

me: THAT DOESN'T HELP MY CREDIT.

clueless C: .. Well that's all I know how to do.

me: I WANT SOMETHING ELSE.

clueless C: I'll transfer you to customer care.

(five minutes of elevator music.)

somewhat helpful: Thank you for calling -rantrantrantrant- may I have your account number?

me: (INSERT ACCOUNT NUMBER AND HEAVY BREATHING.)

somewhat helpful: How may I help you?

me: BILL NOT TRANSFERRED. ME WANT FIX.

somewhat helpful: Oh, a request to transfer was never put in..

me: ... You mean to say, I asked for the bill to be transferred, you said it could be transferred, then you never submitted a request to transfer, told me it was impossible, and sent my bill to a collection agency?!

somewhat helpful: Yes, we can do that. I'm sorry you were misinformed.

me: THEN TRANSFER MY !#!@#! BILL.

somewhat helpful: Okay. The balance will show up on your next bill.

me: ... OKAY THEN.

somewhat helpful: We'll zero out this account and send a note to the collection agency.

me: THANK YOU. -click-

a plethora of broken links. (again)

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 14:46:47 GMT

I think there comes a point in one's life when they've outgrown the things that used to daunt them -- when everything becomes old habit, and when things don't quite make sense anymore to keep on as they are. A long time ago, I outgrew mutedfaith, but I've kept it up mostly from nostalgia. It's a part of my history I didn't want to erase and simply be done with.

Now, though, as I'm moving into a more professional field, both in my career and in my life, I think it's time to move on. Mutedfaith has served me well, and I hope you've all enjoyed it, but it no longer fits who I am. I'm not the same, timid little girl I was six years ago, when I started it. I'm not afraid of the same things; I don't believe the same things. It doesn't fit me anymore, and because of that, I think it's time I shut the doors to mutedfaith once and for all.

That doesn't mean I'm going to vanish forever. I have a new site that I'm creating, which you can see (in progress) at http://inqy.in. If you really like who I was perhaps you'll like the person I'm becoming. I'm not abandoning Wicked Alchemy, either -- I will never be finished with that comic. It may be taking a one week hiatus so I can finish the layout and design of my new website, but when I'm through, it will be back on schedule.

I want to thank everyone who has supported me in my endeavors, through donations, through commissions, or even through a simple browsing of my site. It means a lot to me that you like my work enough to peruse it, and to keep coming back. There are many sections of my website that, for one reason or another, I've stopped updating almost entirely -- and that's also going to change with my new site. I'm tired of having many sections never updated, so I'm going to sink a lot of time and effort once more into re-creating an image, and hopefully it will still be as interesting, if not more so, than mutedfaith has been.

If you have any direct links to my pictures, please be aware they're not going to work when I'm through. I'm moving everything, and you're more than welcome to find the pictures on my new site or download and host them on your own site, as long as you give me credit. :)

Eversails.com is also being wiped out. You can find the pirates on my new website. Onnachance will be sticking around, with all its current fixatives, so the quizzes and funnies won't be moving again.

I'll write more later.

hmm.

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 20:33:29 GMT

I don't usually do this, but I happened to obsess over a picture long enough that I think it's actually worth it.

So! In an effort to make it worth while to donate -- instead of just posting links on my website that say "give me monies :B" -- I have decided to offer you a pretty wallpaper for donating. Any amount you want will get you this lovely painting, sized perfectly to fit your screen.

Please include your e-mail address and your screen size when you donate. >>

Use these links:

Also... don't feel obligated to donate. ^^; I'm just announcing this for personal reasons and because I like showing off art that I'm actually proud of. xD

I think I'll keep this up for a month or two, then change the wallpaper.